Divided

Last night I tried to put Gabo down to bed early.  I thought if I tried to lull him to sleep before he was too tired I may be successful.  I hoped that we could skip the ear piercing screams that often accompany bedtime.  I thought that maybe it is not gas or bothersome teeth that make bedtime so difficult, but that he is in fact overtired.  After rocking, nursing, walking and wrapping he began to scream.  About 5 minutes later my husband came to relieve me and I joined Paddy in the living room.  "How about we go snuggle in bed and read some books?"  My question was met with excitement as I rarely get to be part of his bedtime routine anymore.  We snuggled in his bed and opened one of his favorite, fairly long, picture books.  As I began to read Gabo began to scream.  His screams became increasingly louder as Paddy became increasingly comfortable.  I began to read faster battling with myself about whether to finish the book or drop it and run to my youngest, hysterical child.  I continued to read as the crying reached a pitch that no mother could ignore.  I finished the book and kissed my son on the cheek as he turned into me to cuddle himself to sleep.  As I dashed out of his bed I felt his lips on my back as he attempted to kiss me goodnight.   Once Gabo was settled and my husband returned to the living room (after once again putting Paddy to bed) I recounted what had happened.  When I reached the end of my story and told him about the kiss on the back he said "how sad." I burst into tears.  How sad indeed.  But in that moment how do you choose between your 3 1/2 year old who used to be an only child with your undivided attention and your hysterical 4 month old baby?  I can't imagine ever making the best decision because all of my options sucked.  At the end of it all I could do was sit and eat a Klondike bar, thankful that the baby was asleep and hopeful that my son would forget that he kissed my back as I ran out to sooth his brother.