Playground Etiquette for a 38-Year-Old

I was painfully shy growing up. I had a small group of friends that I stuck close to. I would not seek out new friends to play with and would prefer to play alone than approach someone I didn't know. Much later, as an adult, navigating the professional world was not easy. Yet, I learned to be more outspoken and confident, eventually taking on a supervisory position that tossed me miles beyond my comfort zone.

Then, I brought my almost two-year-old son to story-time at a local library. I had been a stay-at-home mom for an entire week and, suddenly, I had to navigate this whole new social world. I was thrust into a situation where other moms knew each other and I had to decide whether to stand in a corner or become one of them.

Admittedly, there were some tears when I recounted my day to my husband and wondered how I would ever fit in. Over the last few years, however, it has become so much easier. Today, I even approach other mothers to engage them in small talk. I've come leaps and bounds from that first uncomfortable play-group.

Yet, as I am feeling more at ease with other moms, my son is trying to find his way with other kids. Watching him navigate his little social world is both amazing and painful. About a year ago Paddy kicked a little boy in the face. We were at the library and at the time, he wanted to do anything but play with others. We had to cut a few library trips short.

Today, though, Paddy has become a gregarious, friendly soon-to-be four-year-old who seeks out playmates wherever we go. I watch him approach kids at the library, playground and children's museum. I watch him develop fast friends. And, I watch him get rejected.  As I watch, I wonder: How should I handle situations when Paddy is being rejected and I know other children are being mean?

Recently, I sat pretending my butt was glued to a park bench as Paddy tried to play with two other children who clearly did not want to become a threesome. Soon my nephew intervened, distracting Paddy long enough for him to find a little girl who wanted to play with him. My stomach churned and I won't repeat the words I shared with my adult nephew when he confirmed my fears that the children were being less than friendly.

After these situations I am left reeling, wondering whether my son's feelings have been hurt. Yet, I don't want to project my own introverted insecurities on my child so I struggle with how to react. I say to myself as long as he is not being physically intimidated or name called, I will do my best not to intervene. I know that he needs to learn how to behave in social situations and being an over-bearing mother will not help him.

With that said, it is so hard.

My heart breaks a little every time he is rejected. I know it will happen over and over again and that I will eventually be picking up the pieces of his broken heart. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly, and that it would be the pieces of my own heart I would be picking up. I did not realize that as the mother of a toddler, I would have to figure out how to behave myself. I did not realize that after I learned how to open up in my professional life, and after l learned how to socialize in my stay-at-home-mom life, I would now have to learn playground etiquette, too.

When Reality Walks In ...

My husband was home, the baby was fed, our toddler was occupied and I was going to shower, alone.

I probably used a tank of hot water. It was quiet and I was able to think. I started writing a blog post in my head. I fantasized about getting out of the shower, pouring a glass of wine, curling up on the couch under a warm blanket and reading a book.

As soon as I turned the shower off I heard the door knob turning. I waited for my toddler to rush in yelling that he had to pee. Instead he just stood there, waving away my luxurious steam with his toy sword, complaining that it was too smokey. He had left the door ajar and the warmth slowly vacated the room.

My husband distracted him and he darted away. Thirty more seconds of peace and then he barged in again. He wondered why his small plastic sword couldn't cut through the towel rack. He wondered why it couldn't cut through his corduroy pants. I wondered why I couldn't have just five more minutes alone in my steamy bathroom.

Soon I heard the baby fussing in the kitchen. The fuss turned into a cry and I went into hyper mode finishing up as quickly as possible. My final task was to blow dry my hair. I did so while my toddler, husband and five-month old stood outside of the bathroom waiting, not quite patiently. I sang and danced. Distracting them bought me thirty more seconds of hair drying.

And then it was over. The baby was in my arms and our toddler was trying to climb on me. My fantasy evaporated with the steam.

First Words

"I think his first word is going to be gentle."

We were in the playroom of the local library with one other mother, her toddler, and her four month old son. I agreed that "gentle" would probably be Gabo's first word, too. As we spoke, Paddy and the other toddler were "hugging" their brothers.

I want to teach Paddy that his brother is not as durable as his transformer robots or superhero figurines. At times he treats them the same. I know he doesn't want to hurt his brother. He gets excited and wants to play or cuddle. He wants to pick up his 18-pound brother by pulling him up by the head. Even his over exuberant hugs cause me to wince. One day I decided to count how many times I asked him to be gentle. By 7 a.m. the number was so high that I gave up.

I don't have a problem with teaching my toddler right from wrong. It is ok that he has to learn that babies are smaller than him and that his actions can hurt. What bothers me, though, is how our relationship has changed.

Some days I feel that all I do is tell him "no" or "be careful." I threaten to send him to his room or to take away his toys if he isn't more careful with his brother. My husband tries to reassure me. He says our relationship is more than me nagging him, but it doesn't feel that way. 

To make up for this, I overcompensate. I let him eat marshmallows for breakfast and jump off his swing set. He can tell me he is the boss and yell loudly in the house. I probably buy him too many toys and let him eat too many sweets.

I don't want the only word he hears from me to be no. 

My husband and I were once given a piece of advice about our relationship. We were told to make more deposits than withdrawals. I want to heed this advice with my son.  So, I praise him anytime I can. When I have days where I feel like I am constantly telling him no, stop, be gentle, be careful, don't pull on the baby's head, don't push his head into the floor, don't "nibble" his ear, don't roll him over, don't squeeze his neck, don't pinch his neck, don't grab his neck. don't be so rough, I need to tell him how special he is, how smart he is, how athletic he is and how handsome he is. I need to remind him that he is a wonderful big brother.

I agree with him when he says Gabo's first word will be Paddy, not gentle. And I hope he's right.

Sleeping Like a Baby- Part 2

At 9:30 pm I awoke to my husband's voice.

"Do you want to put your boob away?"

The last I had known I had been awake, lying on my side, nursing the baby. I did as he asked and promptly fell asleep.

At 11:30 pm I woke up to nurse the baby.

At 1:30 am I woke up to nurse the baby.

At 3:25 am Paddy called out. My husband went to his room and I heard Paddy tell him that he wanted to get up. He wanted to watch Netflix. They compromised. He came into bed with me. My husband retreated to the basement couch.

At 3:30 am I was lying in bed with the baby nestled on my right arm and my toddler asleep with his cheek on my head and his leg wrapped around my body, snoring in my ear.

At 4:00 am the baby started to cry and my toddler woke up. I nursed the baby and changed him and begged my toddler to go back to sleep.

At 4:10 am I had to pee. I called to my toddler from the bathroom not to squash his brother as he began "hugging" him and telling him how cute he was. I ran from the bathroom to save the baby in time to see my husband staggering up the stairs. He took Paddy to the living room.

At 4:15 am I nursed the baby again, praying he would go back to sleep.

At 4:45 am my husband walked into the bedroom to get a magazine off of his nightstand.

At 4:50 am the baby fell back asleep. Finally!

At 6:00 am my husband entered the room to get dressed and to tell me he had to leave for work.

At 6:11 am the baby woke up.

The next night we started it all again.

Turn Off and Tune In

Gabo was sitting on my lap slouched forward slightly, singing to his feet. I was staring like a Zombie at the "important" news on Facebook. Suddenly a light switch in my brain turned on. I needed to turn off the computer and soak in the adorable moment.

Later I posted a status report. After all, everyone needs to know how cute my child is. A short time later my husband read my status and inquired about the moment. Where had he been? Was he on the phone with his mother? No, he was across the room using the other computer. I wondered how many of these moments I lose out on when I get lost in the status reports.

When I was working full time I feel that I did a better job of having true quality time with my son. I missed so many hours of the day with him that I was going to make every moment count. Now that I am home full time with him I am concerned that I may have lost sight of that.

A friend of mine recently told me about a rule in her home. No screen time after 7 pm. She works full time and often attends meetings at night. She wants to be sure that the time she has with her family counts.

I think this is a great rule. We should implement such a rule when the kids get older. Not only for our children but for ourselves. Spending time in front of a screen has become our adult time as well, watching Netflix or Food Network together. Recently, after a wonderful anniversary date, we both settled into our seats across the room from each other with our respective computers. I sent my husband a Facebook message. He replied instantly.

In the meantime I need to set limits for myself. I need to set limits with how much I am tuned into a screen and how much I use the screen as a babysitter so that I can do household chores. It is easy to put our toddler in front of the computer. It is not easy to pull him away from it.

I know that I can't use this as an excuse to stop doing household chores, although I feel it makes a pretty good argument. I do think that there are many times that I could turn off the computer and my phone and just focus on my children. There are many hours in the day, too many I think when I am filling them all with household tasks. There is no reason why I can't fully devote some of them to my children without distractions.

I need to find time to sit on the floor and play board games, superheroes or matchbox cars. I need to sit and make faces at Gabriel and kiss his belly until he laughs. Ten years from now both will be busy with school, friends and other activities. These are the moments that I need to grab hold of and sear into my memory bank. I need to spend more time with the computer, the kitchen sink and the washing machine turned off so I can be completely tuned in to the beautiful family around me.