Co-parenting: Stepping in So Nobody Loses Their Shit

I was sitting at the computer in the living room searching for finger foods for our eight-month-old. My husband was sitting in a chair across the room, the baby sitting at his feet. Our four-year-old was bouncing around the room, jumping on his father and nudging the baby.

"Be careful with the baby. Paddy ... be careful with the baby."

Then the bang and the scream. The scene changed. Paddy sat frozen on the floor. My husband rushed to pick up the screaming baby. He thrust the baby into my arms, picked Paddy up and carried him sideways, kicking and screaming to his room.

A few moments later Paddy was crying hysterically in his room. I was checking the baby's mouth for broken teeth and putting a wet cloth on his bleeding lip. My husband was seething.

I walked to our toddler's room, handed the baby to my husband and said I would talk to Paddy.

Then it hit me. This is what co-parenting is. It is stepping in so that the other parent doesn't lose their shit.

At times I feel like I have an invisible scoreboard. There is so much focus on shared responsibility with shared parenting. Is each parent changing his or her share of diapers? Is each parent spending the same amount of time with the children?

Yet, that's not what it is about.

It is about knowing when your partner has reached their limit and when it is just too hard.

It is about my husband taking the baby in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted that I can't possibly take another step.

It is about tagging in and talking to our toddler when he has pushed every button that his father has.

It is about the long conversations we have after the children sleep, talking about what happened, reassuring the other that they did the best they could.

Am I Just a Control Freak?

Yesterday I went to the grocery store alone. While I desperately needed the time by myself, at times I felt lost. I felt like people weren't seeing the real me. I was wearing my wedding ring but not my children.

I wandered around the grocery store. I heard children, talking and crying. I noticed what other people were buying. In my cart were a jar of baby food, baby oatmeal and mum mum's. The only visible signs that I was driving home to my children and their father.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about co-parenting: what it means to me and how my husband I exist together as parents. My solo trip to the grocery store helped me to put words to what I've been thinking. I realized that I'm not actually thinking about co-parenting as much as my identity as a parent.

I often wonder why I take on certain tasks. I am responsible for the simple (such as packing for trips) and the more important (such as scheduling and attending pediatrician appointments). If I weren't responsible for these I do not doubt that my husband would be.

So why do I feel the need to do them? Is it because I am a control freak? Partly. Is it because I am the mom and feel like it is my job? Partly. Is it more than that? Definitely.

Walking around Big Y alone I felt my children missing. I felt a little lost and a little lonely. I wanted other people to see my children and to know that they exist.

I spend most of my time with my boys. I make sure they never run out of diapers. I make sure their favorite snacks are well stocked. I make sure they get their vaccinations. I make sure that they are read to every day. I make sure they brush their teeth. I do all of this because they are an extension of me.

Someday they will no longer be an extension of me, although they will always remain a part of me. When that happens my role as mommy will change. Until then I will continue to make sure we never run out of diapers. I will watch my children get vaccinated and make sure we have sippy cups for road trips. I will continue to take care of all of me.