Yesterday I went to the grocery store alone. While I desperately needed the time by myself, at times I felt lost. I felt like people weren't seeing the real me. I was wearing my wedding ring but not my children.
I wandered around the grocery store. I heard children, talking and crying. I noticed what other people were buying. In my cart were a jar of baby food, baby oatmeal and mum mum's. The only visible signs that I was driving home to my children and their father.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about co-parenting: what it means to me and how my husband I exist together as parents. My solo trip to the grocery store helped me to put words to what I've been thinking. I realized that I'm not actually thinking about co-parenting as much as my identity as a parent.
I often wonder why I take on certain tasks. I am responsible for the simple (such as packing for trips) and the more important (such as scheduling and attending pediatrician appointments). If I weren't responsible for these I do not doubt that my husband would be.
So why do I feel the need to do them? Is it because I am a control freak? Partly. Is it because I am the mom and feel like it is my job? Partly. Is it more than that? Definitely.
Walking around Big Y alone I felt my children missing. I felt a little lost and a little lonely. I wanted other people to see my children and to know that they exist.
I spend most of my time with my boys. I make sure they never run out of diapers. I make sure their favorite snacks are well stocked. I make sure they get their vaccinations. I make sure that they are read to every day. I make sure they brush their teeth. I do all of this because they are an extension of me.
Someday they will no longer be an extension of me, although they will always remain a part of me. When that happens my role as mommy will change. Until then I will continue to make sure we never run out of diapers. I will watch my children get vaccinated and make sure we have sippy cups for road trips. I will continue to take care of all of me.
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