Babies Don't Have It So Good

When I am in public, my 6-month-old snuggled in a wrap on my chest, I find that people are jealous. Not of me, but of Gabo. They are under the false assumption that he "has the life." Yes, at the moment he is warm and cozy snuggled up on his mother's chest. But that could all change at the drop of a hat.

Would I rather be an adult or a baby? An adult, hands down. Because when you are a baby ...

• You are sitting in, and often covered in poop, at least once a day. When your diaper doesn't hold it goes up your back. On really bad days it finds it way into your socks. No matter how quickly your parent detects the mess you have still spent a period of time sitting in your own feces.

• You deal with ongoing pain for 2 years. Teeth attempt to push through your sore gums, not all at once in a humane manner, but one at a time. Once you feel relief it starts again. Despite having frozen objects thrust into your mouth or swallowing some sticky faux grape flavored liquid, you still hurt.

• When your nose is stuffy you can't eat. Adults have the choice of keeping their mouths open. While possibly not appreciated by their dinner partners, the choice is there. You either can't eat or you dribble sticky breast milk or formula down your chin.

• You don't have fine motor skills. This is a true detriment when you have an older sibling or two, shoving toys, their bodies or any other object they can find into your face. You have no recourse but to sit there and take it, sometimes squirming and flailing your arms, but rarely to any useful end.

•  Dignity? What is that? You have no privacy. Your diaper may be changed in the back of a car, on the hood of a car or on a public lawn. Worse still, you may be changed in a public bathroom. If luck is on your side the changing table may be in a stall but how often does that happen? Usually you are being changed in the line of bathroom traffic, your parent often being in the way and attracting the attention of others. You are subjected to the "oohs and ahhs" that come from viewing a cute baby behind when you just want to be clean. 

• Despite your best effort to perfect different cries your parents rarely get it right. They overreact and their exhaustion and anxiety get in the way. You are held when you don't want to be, put down when you want to be held. You are fed when you aren't hungry and changed when your diaper isn't wet. You feel like your parents should get it which leads to more frustration and crying. Why can't they get it right?

• For your safety you are often strapped into car seats, high chairs, swings, bumbos, jumpers and vibrating seats. You just want to be let loose on the world. You want to put that stale cheerio in your mouth that you spied on the floor. You don't care that you don't have teeth. You just want to be free.

As I sit here typing and Gabo sleeps soundly on my chest I admit that there are moments when he has it good. But soon he will wake.

First Words

"I think his first word is going to be gentle."

We were in the playroom of the local library with one other mother, her toddler, and her four month old son. I agreed that "gentle" would probably be Gabo's first word, too. As we spoke, Paddy and the other toddler were "hugging" their brothers.

I want to teach Paddy that his brother is not as durable as his transformer robots or superhero figurines. At times he treats them the same. I know he doesn't want to hurt his brother. He gets excited and wants to play or cuddle. He wants to pick up his 18-pound brother by pulling him up by the head. Even his over exuberant hugs cause me to wince. One day I decided to count how many times I asked him to be gentle. By 7 a.m. the number was so high that I gave up.

I don't have a problem with teaching my toddler right from wrong. It is ok that he has to learn that babies are smaller than him and that his actions can hurt. What bothers me, though, is how our relationship has changed.

Some days I feel that all I do is tell him "no" or "be careful." I threaten to send him to his room or to take away his toys if he isn't more careful with his brother. My husband tries to reassure me. He says our relationship is more than me nagging him, but it doesn't feel that way. 

To make up for this, I overcompensate. I let him eat marshmallows for breakfast and jump off his swing set. He can tell me he is the boss and yell loudly in the house. I probably buy him too many toys and let him eat too many sweets.

I don't want the only word he hears from me to be no. 

My husband and I were once given a piece of advice about our relationship. We were told to make more deposits than withdrawals. I want to heed this advice with my son.  So, I praise him anytime I can. When I have days where I feel like I am constantly telling him no, stop, be gentle, be careful, don't pull on the baby's head, don't push his head into the floor, don't "nibble" his ear, don't roll him over, don't squeeze his neck, don't pinch his neck, don't grab his neck. don't be so rough, I need to tell him how special he is, how smart he is, how athletic he is and how handsome he is. I need to remind him that he is a wonderful big brother.

I agree with him when he says Gabo's first word will be Paddy, not gentle. And I hope he's right.

Sleeping Like a Baby- Part 2

At 9:30 pm I awoke to my husband's voice.

"Do you want to put your boob away?"

The last I had known I had been awake, lying on my side, nursing the baby. I did as he asked and promptly fell asleep.

At 11:30 pm I woke up to nurse the baby.

At 1:30 am I woke up to nurse the baby.

At 3:25 am Paddy called out. My husband went to his room and I heard Paddy tell him that he wanted to get up. He wanted to watch Netflix. They compromised. He came into bed with me. My husband retreated to the basement couch.

At 3:30 am I was lying in bed with the baby nestled on my right arm and my toddler asleep with his cheek on my head and his leg wrapped around my body, snoring in my ear.

At 4:00 am the baby started to cry and my toddler woke up. I nursed the baby and changed him and begged my toddler to go back to sleep.

At 4:10 am I had to pee. I called to my toddler from the bathroom not to squash his brother as he began "hugging" him and telling him how cute he was. I ran from the bathroom to save the baby in time to see my husband staggering up the stairs. He took Paddy to the living room.

At 4:15 am I nursed the baby again, praying he would go back to sleep.

At 4:45 am my husband walked into the bedroom to get a magazine off of his nightstand.

At 4:50 am the baby fell back asleep. Finally!

At 6:00 am my husband entered the room to get dressed and to tell me he had to leave for work.

At 6:11 am the baby woke up.

The next night we started it all again.

Sleeping Like a Baby?

I often wonder who coined the term "sleeping like a baby."  I wonder if said person ever had a baby or was near a baby who was sleeping.  Did this person know the reality of how babies sleep and have their phrase misconstrued?  All questions I will probably never find answers too.  I know that "sleeping like a baby" in my home means waking often, feeding, changing and consoling an infant throughout the wee hours of the morning.  So, what effect has this had on my brain?

Recently I read a PBS story about a sleep study that showed moms are "dangerously exhausted" for months after the birth of a child.  After reading that article I started reading a book on sleep. Although I may not agree with all of his views I found one chapter in Harvey Karp, M.D.'s book "The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep" helpful.  He spoke about the effects of chronic sleep deprivation.  What I think of as mommy mush brain he breaks down into more scientific terms.  He talks about how our moods can be sad or angry as a result of not getting enough sleep.  He also says that we can become more uncoordinated and clumsy.  The effect I identify with most is forgetfulness and confusion.  Finally he says that long term sleep deprivation can cause us to be unhealthy, increasing our risk for weight gain and catching unwanted diseases.  Although I hope to get some rest before it gets that bad I am definitely feeling the effects of "sleeping like a baby."

In thinking about my own mommy mush brain I decided to perform my own study on a much smaller scale.  I decided to offer my toddler a snack without reading the label.  I knew how the snack looked and that he would like it because it was crunchy.  I knew he had eaten this snack before and that I have eaten it for many years.  I racked my brain for the name.  Was it popcorn balls, popcorn cakes?  Did it have anything to do with popcorn?  I pulled the package out, no it didn't look like popcorn.  But what could it be?  I finally gave in and looked at the package.  Rice cakes. Of course.  This is my brain on infant sleep.